untitled

no one understands
no one understands
the ongoing war within me
a battle being fought
day & night
a feeble and yet relentless attempt
to put an end to the chaos
in my mind
in my gut
in the intangible wisps
of my soul
the soul that is slowly depleting
with every exhale
with every successive beat of a seemingly healthy heart
explain to me then why it hurts to breathe
there you stand, arm stretched out
reaching in, splaying ribs
fist clenched, trying to help
squeezing
suppressing
stopping the flow of my tainted blood
to my aching and blackened heart
i scream.
but you don’t hear me.
i’m already dead on the inside.
i scream.
it echoes in the distant valleys of my abandoned mind
i’m dead on the inside.
i scream.
this time the tears flow, the arms flail,
the knife cuts, the blood splatters
remind me why i need to do this.
i smile.
to escape.
you scream.
all smiles fade
let me go.
it’s ok.
it’ll be… fast.
you won’t remember.
you stare.
through me.
at me.
in me.
there is nothing
i am
gone.
empty

i scream.
you’re no longer here
i’m dead on the inside.



it’s quiet.


still.



i scream.i want to die.

the test

dated july 31, 2006

___________

blue gowns and gray walls
you can call it “the institution”
the paint is thick on the wooden door
of my isolated cubicle
the liquid is like the paint
thick like syrup
white as primer
tinged with a taste
of chemical waste & vanilla
it’s been marinating in a styrofoam cup
since it’s manufacturing
in the immaculate labs
of Pfizer.
i feel strangely corporal
naked under this sky-blue dress
that is nothing less than depressing
my toes are cold, my eyes are tired
i seem to blend in perfectly with the floor
i feel like i’ve been waiting here forever
not because i’m impatient
but in less than an hour i feel as though
i know this cubicle by heart
and that i’ve seen the view of the corridor
from the chair a hundred times before.
and as i lie upon the stainless steel table
i am james bond in goldfinger
about to be killed by a crazy hooligan
with a laser beam in one hand
and a scorching laugh rolling off his tongue.
thor has condemned me
and the ice cold table
offers me no conciliation.